Six Months to Life

You ask me how I did it:
how I made an extremely difficult process look so easy.
You don’t know that it was excruciating from the start,
and that I’m nowhere near finished.

I had to remove the one person I wanted for the rest of my life,
from my life.
I had to detach myself from a part of my soul.
It started with one day, that turned into one week,
which turned into one month,
and before I knew it, I reached half of a year.

I haven’t coped,
I’ve just kept myself busy.
But those moments when I’m alone,
all of the memories rush to my head at once.

I want to tell him that my hands are sore from working such a long shift,
and that I’m coming over for chips and salsa.
I want to tell him all the good news about my day,
and how I’m evolving into the woman we both want me to become.

I may look like I’m okay, 
distancing myself from the one I love. 
But the truth is, in this sixth month,
I still want him,
just as much as I did on the day I decided to let him go.

written February 2, 2017.

Another "Morning After"

I can barely open my eyes.
Do I even want to?
Regret has spilled onto the sheets,
and sorrow has seeped into my pillow.

When you left this morning, 
I hope you took all of my feelings with you,
but I’m sure that you dismissed them,
because you do the same to yours.

I don’t know how we came to this point,
where we keep giving and giving, just to have nothing at all. 
Maybe we like watering what died a long time ago.
Maybe it’s because we hate the sound of goodbye.

written January 16, 2017.

The Game

I said that the last time would be the last time
on countless occasions. 
I keep giving and you keep taking,
because you’ll never say no.

You know what I’m worth, 
and you know what you’d be missing,
should I truly follow through with leaving you behind. 

But you don’t care.
So we play this little game
where I leave the ball in your court,
knowing that it’s really in mine,
as we wait for the clock to run out. 

And when it does,
don’t go wondering what happened.
There will be no space or opportunity
to make up for all we could’ve had.  

The love is there, 
but our intentions are completely different.
You play for ego,
and I play for keeps.

written December 12, 2016.

For the First Time

There was a time when I didn’t want anyone’s arms
around me but my own. 
The thought of a man embracing me one moment
just to leave me in the long run, caused me to become reclusive. 
Then came you.

When you touched me, 
you told a story. 
Your hands meeting my skin
served as the segue into my soul.

Every crease, dip and curve  
were points for marking. 
You kissed my scars and traced my stretch marks.
You knew that my temple was my territory,
but you never made me feel like an object
for wanting to see what was inside.

Looking back, 
I’m not resentful. 
Tearful, but not resentful. 
I miss those moments, 
when a tickle turned into love making, 
and how you’d hold me through the night.

I’m not mad at you,
because for the first time in my life, 
it wasn’t just sex.
You felt me beyond the physical. 
You wanted more than just a release. 
You poured into me,
and exchanged your love for mine.

written November 8, 2016.

Heaven and Hell

I guess I wasn’t that mad while you were inside of me, huh?
I wanted to tell you how much I can’t stand you,
but I was silenced by your stroke.

You come to me with a full mouth and empty hands,
but I am so smitten by the words you string together
that I ignore what you lack.

You and I both know we have an expiration date;
one that I have to implement myself. 
I’ve stalled this departure way too many times.

We should’ve ended already,
but it’s not that hard to tell,
that I’m in love with your heaven,
and I’m in love with your hell.

written November 5, 2016.

Right Now

Right now, I am free.
I am not concerned about what we are
or what we aren’t,
but simply what I feel in this very moment. 
And in this moment, I feel light. 

My laughter stems from the depths of my soul
and spills out into your space.
It intoxicates you.  
It coerces you into endless smiles and holding of hands and sloppy kisses.
It enables you to look at me in all of the ways you usually hide.

In this moment, you aren’t working,
and I’m not growing anxious over emails that never come. 
We are simply being. 

Your energy gravitates toward mine,
and they have a fine time together. 
Now I know what it means when they say
“What’s real doesn’t have to be explained.”

written September 9, 2016.

I'm Sorry. I Love You.

I’m sorry that my worth couldn’t make you stay longer. 
I’m sorry that the way that I laugh and the way that I think wasn’t enough.
I’m sorry that you put limits on my feelings,
because you didn’t want to deal with them.
I guess you thought that they could be told where to go. 

I’m sorry that I let you down when I should have lifted you up.
I was young and selfish and overwhelmed.
My current behavior cannot make up for the mistrust
that past mistakes have created.
Now a chance with you is only rendered in a dream. 

I’m sorry that you feel this way.
I’m sorry that when you wanted me, I reduced us to fun and games -
I was under the impression that we mutually viewed things as such.
I ultimately minimized us to protect myself. 
I didn’t think about a future
because I didn’t know you cared enough to have one. 

Two years later here I am,
apologizing for things I haven’t even done,
feeling regretful about “then”
because it affects us now.

I guess it’s best that we don’t text or talk on the phone anymore.
I guess it’s best that you’re out of sight and out of mind. 
I guess it’s best that I don’t tell you that I love you.
I’m sorry that you’ll never know.

written July 11, 2016.