Halfway There

When we talk,
disconnect dangles on the end of every word.
The conversations aren’t forced, 
but they are definitely fleeting, 
and pierced with potential that will never be fulfilled.

When I think of you, my visions are skewed. 
My memories used to play cinematically,
and I would fixate on that imagery as if my life depended on it. 

Now, they’re bits and pieces of scenes I vaguely recall being in.
Flashbacks of us kissing are interrupted by the arguing,
and it’s not long before the tears take center stage.

You were what I wanted,
but you were rarely what I needed. 
I tried to bury your flaws underneath the moments
where we stood a fighting chance. 

These days I’m growing closer to the version of me
that does just fine without you. 
When you look at my Instagram,
I wonder what goes through your head.

I’ve forgotten what you smell like,
and I’ve become foreign to your touch. 
How beautiful it is to know,
I can’t hold on to what I can’t feel.

My love for you stretches to the end of time,
but I don’t like you, not one bit.
You treat me like I’m unworthy of respect,
but loathe the idea of us becoming total strangers. 
Yet even with our history,
we’re already halfway there. 

written December 30, 2019.

From Your Former Babygirl

It’s remarkable how often my thoughts jump through hula hoops.
One day I’m reminiscing and wondering what could’ve been,
and the next day, you’re barely on my mind.

I realized that I miss you,
but not in the way that you might think.
It’s the familiarity of having you in my life that I mourn 
as opposed to your presence,
because you could be sitting right beside me,
and still be somewhere else.  

It is weird yet relieving to know that this is the end.
It took years to arrive to the point where I feel comfortable not being able to text, call, or see you.
When something happens worth mentioning,
it stings knowing that I can’t share it,
but fortunately the feeling is fleeting.

I know in my heart that if you remained in my life, 
it would be because my love for you was tied to instant gratification,
not because you were meant to be a permanent fixture. 

When I said I believe that you loved and cared for me
to the best of your ability, I meant it.
Just because we emote in different ways, doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid.
A large part of loving unconditionally, is being able to let go when you know it’s for the best.
So I want you to know that not only do I want what’s best for me,
I will always wish the best for you. 

The last time I wrote something along these lines,
I referred to myself as your “Babygirl” forever.
Things have changed since then.
That’s not who I am anymore, and I couldn’t stay her even if I tried.
Because one day, another man is going to call me all of the things you called me and then some, and one of them is “wife.” 

Loving you while being hurt by you,
has verified that just because people are seasonal,
doesn’t mean that they can’t serve as your mirror.
I often harped on your flaws,
but dealing with them also allowed me to see more of mine. 

So thank you, again:
For teaching me lessons through all that you did and all that you didn’t,
for leaving me with some pretty sweet memories,
and for being honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.
I hope you cherish our time together just as much as I do, but more importantly,
I hope that down the line, you choose the opposite of empty. 

written June 17, 2019.

Shut It

It’s like a neglected wound.
Most of the time I forget that it’s there,
but when I remember,
it’s like I got cut all over again.

To feel it is to be reminded that I was left:
as if I never mattered,
as if I don’t exist.
To feel it is to know that love will never be enough,
and that words dissolve right after they’re spoken.

So if you love me like you say you do,
show it by staying.
And if you ever leave,
be sure to shut the door.

written July 7, 2017.

3:00 AM

I used to like the pain,
now I want anything to numb it.
These days have passed by so quickly,
yet they seem to last so long.

I haven’t talked to you in quite some time now.
Finality has a weird kind of ring to it.
I can’t forget your smile,
but his has got me hooked.

No need for sorry - I’ve forgiven you already.
You’re out of sight, but remain at the edges of my mind.
You rest in regret, while I rest in relief.
I’ll be sure to send my love through silence.

written June 7, 2017.

The Ending

I lay beside your memory at night,
which is why it’s so hard for me to get up in the morning. 
I think of all the times I slept in your bed,
and wonder if you ever think of me when no one is there to hog the covers.

God, I hate this part the most. 
You’re everywhere, in everything. 
I don’t want to press “pause”
because the pain just needs to stop altogether.

I’m disgusted that our ending 
has me questioning if what we had was even real.
Were our feelings truly the same,
or did you love me like those other guys that call themselves men?

You’re not worried about me;
you can’t be.
You’re unscathed, and that’s okay. 

It is through this tragedy,
that I am able to birth the beautifully crafted story 
of how you destroyed me from the inside out,
and stomped my soul into smithereens.

written February 3, 2017.

Six Months to Life

You ask me how I did it:
how I made an extremely difficult process look so easy.
You don’t know that it was excruciating from the start,
and that I’m nowhere near finished.

I had to remove the one person I wanted for the rest of my life,
from my life.
I had to detach myself from a part of my soul.
It started with one day, that turned into one week,
which turned into one month,
and before I knew it, I reached half of a year.

I haven’t coped,
I’ve just kept myself busy.
But those moments when I’m alone,
all of the memories rush to my head at once.

I want to tell him that my hands are sore from working such a long shift,
and that I’m coming over for chips and salsa.
I want to tell him all the good news about my day,
and how I’m evolving into the woman we both want me to become.

I may look like I’m okay, 
distancing myself from the one I love. 
But the truth is, in this sixth month,
I still want him,
just as much as I did on the day I decided to let him go.

written February 2, 2017.

Heal

Sometimes, 
I want to force my feet onto the floor
so that I can make my way out of bed. 
I envision myself heading to the bathroom
so that I can brush my teeth, 
shower, and start my day.

But most times, 
I don’t move.
If I do, it might be to eat,
or to get some more tissues. 

It’s not always the worst thing,
to lay here.
My memory works well, 
and because of that, 
I can write to relieve the thoughts 
that overtake me. 

That way, when I think of us kissing, 
I ache a little less. 
I wrap my arms around myself and 
get used to not having yours.

Today, 
I’m going to throw out my graduation and birthday cards;
even the handwritten card I never gave to you.
They’re all just reminders that I don’t need. 
As I mentioned before, I have enough.

Today, 
I’m not mad at myself for feeling the way that I do. 
There is no shame, or guilt, or denial. 
I’m allowing this recovery to take its course. 
I love you with all of me, 
so all of me must heal.

written January 24, 2017.

(Love) Story

I begin to string words together just to delete them.
These sentences will never do my feelings justice,
so I’m unsure of why I try.

When your heart mourns the loss of someone
who hasn’t passed
but your time with them has,
there’s not much that you can say.

I erase your number from my phone
just to put it right back in.
I’ve dug up a picture from the spring.
I look at it as a means to retrieve a time
where letting you go wasn’t an option.

I never would have thought we’d end up here.
But we can go a lot farther, you know.
You can overcome your fears
and I’ll be here to see it unfold every step of the way.
Only if you want to, though…

But you won’t.
And you don’t.
So I reluctantly say goodbye to the thought of us,
because for you I guess there never really was one. 

It would make too much sense
to be with the woman that makes you happy.
You like our story,
just not the part about love.

written July 20, 2016.

When I Saw You

I passed by you today. 
It was swift and unsettling.
I can imagine that it seemed
as if a train raced down the rails.

You didn’t see me,
but I know you felt me,
because you paused shortly after
life led my feet the other way. 

I glanced back quickly,
to see you standing amidst 
bodies bouncing off of one another.
You swayed rhythmically with the chaos
as if the madness made you feel at home. 

I turned around right before
a single tear slipped down your cheek. 
My timing was perfect. 
We weren’t supposed to cross paths today.
It’s a wonder why we did.

And had I stayed longer,
you would’ve been able to tell
that your tear was matching mine. 

written July 12, 2016.