I am probably more tired now,
than I have ever been.
It doesn’t consume me,
but it’s a constant reminder
that a woman like me
should never feel this way.
I’ve resigned from writing about you a million times over,
yet here I am again.
Instead of fighting the urge to spill the contents of my heart
onto pieces of paper,
I’ve continued to let them pour.
Still, I simply wish that my inclination to do so
fades away –
just like your love for me.
written May 11, 2019.
Let this be the last time that I look at you,
and the last time that my fingertips
trace the places
that yours used to roam.
I am grateful for every inch of our journey.
You were there for me through some of my most daunting moments.
You listened as I detailed the darkest parts of my pain,
and made sure that I would not let
its abyss swallow me whole.
You were the source of many smiles,
and the cause of many bloated bellies
from being wined and dined
all of those late nights in your home.
I’ll miss the laughter, and the singing,
and the dancing, and the cuddling.
I’ll miss the sweet splendor of how you
would sex me right to sleep,
just for me to wake up to the most delicate forehead kisses.
You were warmth, and humor, and savant, and style.
You were contradictory, and confusing, and hurtful, and proud.
You were so many things,
which is why I felt so many things,
and learned to be kinder to myself
as I unraveled your grip around my heart.
You complicated my most magnificent love,
and I’ve finally forgiven you for it.
My resentment has dissolved,
and the desire to see and speak to you
has finally gone away.
I am now okay
with not having you in my life anymore.
And although our time has come to an end,
my love for you has not.
Thank you, for everything.
Forever, your babygirl.
written January 1, 2019.
I am so tired of men leaving my life
for the same reason that they entered.
Do not come to the jungle
if you can’t handle the wild.
written June 13, 2017.
The biggest mistake I made
was
handing him my cup
and
expecting him to fill it up
when
it was my job to pour.
written April 25, 2017.
You ask me how I did it:
how I made an extremely difficult process look so easy.
You don’t know that it was excruciating from the start,
and that I’m nowhere near finished.
I had to remove the one person I wanted for the rest of my life,
from my life.
I had to detach myself from a part of my soul.
It started with one day, that turned into one week,
which turned into one month,
and before I knew it, I reached half of a year.
I haven’t coped,
I’ve just kept myself busy.
But those moments when I’m alone,
all of the memories rush to my head at once.
I want to tell him that my hands are sore from working such a long shift,
and that I’m coming over for chips and salsa.
I want to tell him all the good news about my day,
and how I’m evolving into the woman we both want me to become.
I may look like I’m okay,
distancing myself from the one I love.
But the truth is, in this sixth month,
I still want him,
just as much as I did on the day I decided to let him go.
written February 2, 2017.
A woman once asked me:
Where did you find him,
and how did you keep him?
My reply was:
We weren’t looking for anything,
but once he met me, he never wanted to leave.
written January 28, 2017.
I’m sorry that my worth couldn’t make you stay longer.
I’m sorry that the way that I laugh and the way that I think wasn’t enough.
I’m sorry that you put limits on my feelings,
because you didn’t want to deal with them.
I guess you thought that they could be told where to go.
I’m sorry that I let you down when I should have lifted you up.
I was young and selfish and overwhelmed.
My current behavior cannot make up for the mistrust
that past mistakes have created.
Now a chance with you is only rendered in a dream.
I’m sorry that you feel this way.
I’m sorry that when you wanted me, I reduced us to fun and games -
I was under the impression that we mutually viewed things as such.
I ultimately minimized us to protect myself.
I didn’t think about a future
because I didn’t know you cared enough to have one.
Two years later here I am,
apologizing for things I haven’t even done,
feeling regretful about “then”
because it affects us now.
I guess it’s best that we don’t text or talk on the phone anymore.
I guess it’s best that you’re out of sight and out of mind.
I guess it’s best that I don’t tell you that I love you.
I’m sorry that you’ll never know.
written July 11, 2016.