I Know

I have a lot to say,
but can only muster a portion.
I understand what’s happened,
it’s just difficult to explain it all.

When you were here,
being off and on was a self-inflicted struggle.
Now that you’re gone,
the real pain has set in.

Deleting every single text, email, picture,
and ridding myself of any other trace of your existence
was ideal at the time.
Now, I would do anything to get those items back.

Through it all,
my perception of you never changed.
I was well aware that your emotional ineptness
was only a fraction of who you are.
I just hate that who you are came at my expense.

What we had was flawed.
It was messy.
It was a wild ride of a romance that only we could make sense of.
It was an intricate language that only we knew how to speak.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…
I really loved you,
and I know that you really loved me.

written September 9, 2019.

From Your Former Babygirl

It’s remarkable how often my thoughts jump through hula hoops.
One day I’m reminiscing and wondering what could’ve been,
and the next day, you’re barely on my mind.

I realized that I miss you,
but not in the way that you might think.
It’s the familiarity of having you in my life that I mourn 
as opposed to your presence,
because you could be sitting right beside me,
and still be somewhere else.  

It is weird yet relieving to know that this is the end.
It took years to arrive to the point where I feel comfortable not being able to text, call, or see you.
When something happens worth mentioning,
it stings knowing that I can’t share it,
but fortunately the feeling is fleeting.

I know in my heart that if you remained in my life, 
it would be because my love for you was tied to instant gratification,
not because you were meant to be a permanent fixture. 

When I said I believe that you loved and cared for me
to the best of your ability, I meant it.
Just because we emote in different ways, doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid.
A large part of loving unconditionally, is being able to let go when you know it’s for the best.
So I want you to know that not only do I want what’s best for me,
I will always wish the best for you. 

The last time I wrote something along these lines,
I referred to myself as your “Babygirl” forever.
Things have changed since then.
That’s not who I am anymore, and I couldn’t stay her even if I tried.
Because one day, another man is going to call me all of the things you called me and then some, and one of them is “wife.” 

Loving you while being hurt by you,
has verified that just because people are seasonal,
doesn’t mean that they can’t serve as your mirror.
I often harped on your flaws,
but dealing with them also allowed me to see more of mine. 

So thank you, again:
For teaching me lessons through all that you did and all that you didn’t,
for leaving me with some pretty sweet memories,
and for being honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.
I hope you cherish our time together just as much as I do, but more importantly,
I hope that down the line, you choose the opposite of empty. 

written June 17, 2019.

Tired

I am probably more tired now,
than I have ever been.
It doesn’t consume me,
but it’s a constant reminder
that a woman like me
should never feel this way.

I’ve resigned from writing about you a million times over,
yet here I am again.
Instead of fighting the urge to spill the contents of my heart
onto pieces of paper,
I’ve continued to let them pour.

Still, I simply wish that my inclination to do so
fades away –
just like your love for me.

written May 11, 2019.

Babygirl

Let this be the last time that I look at you,
and the last time that my fingertips
trace the places
that yours used to roam.

I am grateful for every inch of our journey.
You were there for me through some of my most daunting moments.
You listened as I detailed the darkest parts of my pain,
and made sure that I would not let
its abyss swallow me whole.

You were the source of many smiles,
and the cause of many bloated bellies
from being wined and dined
all of those late nights in your home.

I’ll miss the laughter, and the singing,
and the dancing, and the cuddling.
I’ll miss the sweet splendor of how you
would sex me right to sleep,
just for me to wake up to the most delicate forehead kisses.

You were warmth, and humor, and savant, and style.
You were contradictory, and confusing, and hurtful, and proud.
You were so many things,
which is why I felt so many things,
and learned to be kinder to myself
as I unraveled your grip around my heart.

You complicated my most magnificent love,
and I’ve finally forgiven you for it.
My resentment has dissolved,
and the desire to see and speak to you
has finally gone away.

I am now okay
with not having you in my life anymore.
And although our time has come to an end,
my love for you has not.
Thank you, for everything.
Forever, your babygirl.

written January 1, 2019.

Six Months to Life

You ask me how I did it:
how I made an extremely difficult process look so easy.
You don’t know that it was excruciating from the start,
and that I’m nowhere near finished.

I had to remove the one person I wanted for the rest of my life,
from my life.
I had to detach myself from a part of my soul.
It started with one day, that turned into one week,
which turned into one month,
and before I knew it, I reached half of a year.

I haven’t coped,
I’ve just kept myself busy.
But those moments when I’m alone,
all of the memories rush to my head at once.

I want to tell him that my hands are sore from working such a long shift,
and that I’m coming over for chips and salsa.
I want to tell him all the good news about my day,
and how I’m evolving into the woman we both want me to become.

I may look like I’m okay, 
distancing myself from the one I love. 
But the truth is, in this sixth month,
I still want him,
just as much as I did on the day I decided to let him go.

written February 2, 2017.

I'm Sorry. I Love You.

I’m sorry that my worth couldn’t make you stay longer. 
I’m sorry that the way that I laugh and the way that I think wasn’t enough.
I’m sorry that you put limits on my feelings,
because you didn’t want to deal with them.
I guess you thought that they could be told where to go. 

I’m sorry that I let you down when I should have lifted you up.
I was young and selfish and overwhelmed.
My current behavior cannot make up for the mistrust
that past mistakes have created.
Now a chance with you is only rendered in a dream. 

I’m sorry that you feel this way.
I’m sorry that when you wanted me, I reduced us to fun and games -
I was under the impression that we mutually viewed things as such.
I ultimately minimized us to protect myself. 
I didn’t think about a future
because I didn’t know you cared enough to have one. 

Two years later here I am,
apologizing for things I haven’t even done,
feeling regretful about “then”
because it affects us now.

I guess it’s best that we don’t text or talk on the phone anymore.
I guess it’s best that you’re out of sight and out of mind. 
I guess it’s best that I don’t tell you that I love you.
I’m sorry that you’ll never know.

written July 11, 2016.