Babygirl

Let this be the last time that I look at you,
and the last time that my fingertips
trace the places
that yours used to roam.

I am grateful for every inch of our journey.
You were there for me through some of my most daunting moments.
You listened as I detailed the darkest parts of my pain,
and made sure that I would not let
its abyss swallow me whole.

You were the source of many smiles,
and the cause of many bloated bellies
from being wined and dined
all of those late nights in your home.

I’ll miss the laughter, and the singing,
and the dancing, and the cuddling.
I’ll miss the sweet splendor of how you
would sex me right to sleep,
just for me to wake up to the most delicate forehead kisses.

You were warmth, and humor, and savant, and style.
You were contradictory, and confusing, and hurtful, and proud.
You were so many things,
which is why I felt so many things,
and learned to be kinder to myself
as I unraveled your grip around my heart.

You complicated my most magnificent love,
and I’ve finally forgiven you for it.
My resentment has dissolved,
and the desire to see and speak to you
has finally gone away.

I am now okay
with not having you in my life anymore.
And although our time has come to an end,
my love for you has not.
Thank you, for everything.
Forever, your babygirl.

written January 1, 2019.

Shut It

It’s like a neglected wound.
Most of the time I forget that it’s there,
but when I remember,
it’s like I got cut all over again.

To feel it is to be reminded that I was left:
as if I never mattered,
as if I don’t exist.
To feel it is to know that love will never be enough,
and that words dissolve right after they’re spoken.

So if you love me like you say you do,
show it by staying.
And if you ever leave,
be sure to shut the door.

written July 7, 2017.

Silly Little Tears

You told me not to fall for you.
You told me that I deserve better. 
You told me that you love me 
and that you want what is best for me.
It had been made clear that what was best,
wasn’t you.

Yet, you’re here,
with your tie undone and your eyes glossed over,
wondering if the man who’s waiting for me at the bar is mine. 
You ran in your expensive suit and designer shoes
to tell me that you hope it isn’t true: 
that I could have possibly moved on.

You’re standing in front of me,
like a puppy with its tail in between its legs.
I’ve never seen you look so weary.
I’ve never seen you look so lost.

“I have a boyfriend now,” I say. 
And before I can continue, your lips are trembling and tears are falling.
I’ve never seen you cry;
I never thought you could.

I’m in awe. 
It took years for us to end and even longer for me to recover.
My heart called out your name countless times, yet you refused to listen.
You waited until the man of my dreams took your place,
before you even considered trying to get it back.

So, why are you hurting?
You willingly made room for someone else to give me the world,
the moment you decided we would never have one.

written March 15, 2017.

The Ending

I lay beside your memory at night,
which is why it’s so hard for me to get up in the morning. 
I think of all the times I slept in your bed,
and wonder if you ever think of me when no one is there to hog the covers.

God, I hate this part the most. 
You’re everywhere, in everything. 
I don’t want to press “pause”
because the pain just needs to stop altogether.

I’m disgusted that our ending 
has me questioning if what we had was even real.
Were our feelings truly the same,
or did you love me like those other guys that call themselves men?

You’re not worried about me;
you can’t be.
You’re unscathed, and that’s okay. 

It is through this tragedy,
that I am able to birth the beautifully crafted story 
of how you destroyed me from the inside out,
and stomped my soul into smithereens.

written February 3, 2017.

Six Months to Life

You ask me how I did it:
how I made an extremely difficult process look so easy.
You don’t know that it was excruciating from the start,
and that I’m nowhere near finished.

I had to remove the one person I wanted for the rest of my life,
from my life.
I had to detach myself from a part of my soul.
It started with one day, that turned into one week,
which turned into one month,
and before I knew it, I reached half of a year.

I haven’t coped,
I’ve just kept myself busy.
But those moments when I’m alone,
all of the memories rush to my head at once.

I want to tell him that my hands are sore from working such a long shift,
and that I’m coming over for chips and salsa.
I want to tell him all the good news about my day,
and how I’m evolving into the woman we both want me to become.

I may look like I’m okay, 
distancing myself from the one I love. 
But the truth is, in this sixth month,
I still want him,
just as much as I did on the day I decided to let him go.

written February 2, 2017.

Heal

Sometimes, 
I want to force my feet onto the floor
so that I can make my way out of bed. 
I envision myself heading to the bathroom
so that I can brush my teeth, 
shower, and start my day.

But most times, 
I don’t move.
If I do, it might be to eat,
or to get some more tissues. 

It’s not always the worst thing,
to lay here.
My memory works well, 
and because of that, 
I can write to relieve the thoughts 
that overtake me. 

That way, when I think of us kissing, 
I ache a little less. 
I wrap my arms around myself and 
get used to not having yours.

Today, 
I’m going to throw out my graduation and birthday cards;
even the handwritten card I never gave to you.
They’re all just reminders that I don’t need. 
As I mentioned before, I have enough.

Today, 
I’m not mad at myself for feeling the way that I do. 
There is no shame, or guilt, or denial. 
I’m allowing this recovery to take its course. 
I love you with all of me, 
so all of me must heal.

written January 24, 2017.

(Love) Story

I begin to string words together just to delete them.
These sentences will never do my feelings justice,
so I’m unsure of why I try.

When your heart mourns the loss of someone
who hasn’t passed
but your time with them has,
there’s not much that you can say.

I erase your number from my phone
just to put it right back in.
I’ve dug up a picture from the spring.
I look at it as a means to retrieve a time
where letting you go wasn’t an option.

I never would have thought we’d end up here.
But we can go a lot farther, you know.
You can overcome your fears
and I’ll be here to see it unfold every step of the way.
Only if you want to, though…

But you won’t.
And you don’t.
So I reluctantly say goodbye to the thought of us,
because for you I guess there never really was one. 

It would make too much sense
to be with the woman that makes you happy.
You like our story,
just not the part about love.

written July 20, 2016.

When I Saw You

I passed by you today. 
It was swift and unsettling.
I can imagine that it seemed
as if a train raced down the rails.

You didn’t see me,
but I know you felt me,
because you paused shortly after
life led my feet the other way. 

I glanced back quickly,
to see you standing amidst 
bodies bouncing off of one another.
You swayed rhythmically with the chaos
as if the madness made you feel at home. 

I turned around right before
a single tear slipped down your cheek. 
My timing was perfect. 
We weren’t supposed to cross paths today.
It’s a wonder why we did.

And had I stayed longer,
you would’ve been able to tell
that your tear was matching mine. 

written July 12, 2016.