I Know

I have a lot to say,
but can only muster a portion.
I understand what’s happened,
it’s just difficult to explain it all.

When you were here,
being off and on was a self-inflicted struggle.
Now that you’re gone,
the real pain has set in.

Deleting every single text, email, picture,
and ridding myself of any other trace of your existence
was ideal at the time.
Now, I would do anything to get those items back.

Through it all,
my perception of you never changed.
I was well aware that your emotional ineptness
was only a fraction of who you are.
I just hate that who you are came at my expense.

What we had was flawed.
It was messy.
It was a wild ride of a romance that only we could make sense of.
It was an intricate language that only we knew how to speak.

I guess what I’m trying to say is…
I really loved you,
and I know that you really loved me.

written September 9, 2019.

I Have To

It’s easier this way.
I’ll keep you in the dark for as long as I can,
but it will be your fault when I finally pull the trigger.
I could talk to you about things,
but I would just be reiterating what you already know.

I want to do everything but say goodbye,
but “everything” always comes back to bite me in the end.
We are take it or leave it.
We are all or nothing.
Always were.
Always will be.

written July 6, 2018.

Heaven and Hell

I guess I wasn’t that mad while you were inside of me, huh?
I wanted to tell you how much I can’t stand you,
but I was silenced by your stroke.

You come to me with a full mouth and empty hands,
but I am so smitten by the words you string together
that I ignore what you lack.

You and I both know we have an expiration date;
one that I have to implement myself. 
I’ve stalled this departure way too many times.

We should’ve ended already,
but it’s not that hard to tell,
that I’m in love with your heaven,
and I’m in love with your hell.

written November 5, 2016.