Do The Right Thing

I wasn’t thinking about you 
until you reached out to me.
Our last conversation took me to a place 
I didn’t think I’d go.  

You were the first man I had an authentic connection with.
You checked all of the boxes. 
You were a walking, talking dream. 

Out of all of the memories that come to mind,
there is one that stings the most. 
It has nothing to do with me;
it was the moment I realized you had proposed 
to her. 

I remember looking at that picture of you on bended knee,
followed by the one of you holding her as she cried onto your chest,
and I wanted to know:

Were you really happy?
Were you really sure?
Did she make you feel the ways that I did?

If you moving on affected me to this degree,
surely you must’ve thought about me along the way. 
I was floored when only a few weeks after,
I discovered that you did; that you do.

You know I’m sorry. 
You know I’m here for you, always.
You’re unhappy, but you don’t want to hurt her. 
There are variables you have to consider
that would never cross my mind, because they don’t need to.

I never told you that you were the first man I could see myself with.
We fit in a way that was more than I could fathom.
I never told you because I wasn’t ready to do anything about it.
I never told you because I was careless, and selfish, and cold. 

I don’t want to turn back the hands of time;
there is no need to. 
I don’t live with regret.
I don’t compete with fate.

I may wonder, or fantasize, or reminisce,
but I acknowledge the barrier between us. 
I set boundaries, but do they really matter?
Because like you said the other day:
Attraction + chemistry + history is a dangerous thing. 

I don’t know her, but I respect her,
and I want what’s best for you, even if it doesn’t feel good.
I understand that means I may never see you again. 
I understand that means there are a lot of talks we will never get to have.
I know you have questions you are withholding from me,
but I suppose it’s better that way. 

Out of sight isn’t out mind.
Out of sight doesn’t make your marriage stronger, either.
But I will stay here, and you will remain there. 
It’s not about desire anymore.
It’s about doing what’s right. 

written October 1, 2019.

A Lifetime Kind of Love

I enter another a dimension as you make your way inside of me.
I don’t travel down old roads but I like the way this one feels. 
You touch me in places you were first acquainted with so many moons ago. 
It’s amazing how my body can’t help but make magic with yours.

We didn’t miss a beat,
but it’s clear that we missed each other,
and I’m sorry that for all of those months
I hid myself from you. 
I’ll exchange my scars for yours
if you’re willing to show me all of the places that the pain still resides. 
They say you can’t get healing from the one who hurt you, 
but I’m here to prove them wrong.

The crazy thing about our story,
is that neither one of us wanted it to exist.
Ink spewing from the same fountain,
as we fight for the narrative’s control. 
There are people from our past, and even more in our present,
who will try to disrupt our fluidity
to keep us from completing what our hearts have started. 
I won’t fight with them, but I’ll fight for you.

Let down your guard so that the plot strengthens instead of thickens. 
Allow me to water the soil that we stand on,
so that it becomes enriched with what we have to offer one another.
Let life take its course and don’t give fear the permission to stop it.
It would be a tragedy if you put an end to what we’re meant to be.

I want to be your reason, not a season.
I want to be your lifetime, not a loss.
Love me until your cup runneth over.
Love me until all you can do is love me some more.
Love me until it changes you for the better.
Love me until there’s no room for goodbye.

written August 7, 2016.