I wasn’t thinking about you
until you reached out to me.
Our last conversation took me to a place
I didn’t think I’d go.
You were the first man I had an authentic connection with.
You checked all of the boxes.
You were a walking, talking dream.
Out of all of the memories that come to mind,
there is one that stings the most.
It has nothing to do with me;
it was the moment I realized you had proposed
to her.
I remember looking at that picture of you on bended knee,
followed by the one of you holding her as she cried onto your chest,
and I wanted to know:
Were you really happy?
Were you really sure?
Did she make you feel the ways that I did?
If you moving on affected me to this degree,
surely you must’ve thought about me along the way.
I was floored when only a few weeks after,
I discovered that you did; that you do.
You know I’m sorry.
You know I’m here for you, always.
You’re unhappy, but you don’t want to hurt her.
There are variables you have to consider
that would never cross my mind, because they don’t need to.
I never told you that you were the first man I could see myself with.
We fit in a way that was more than I could fathom.
I never told you because I wasn’t ready to do anything about it.
I never told you because I was careless, and selfish, and cold.
I don’t want to turn back the hands of time;
there is no need to.
I don’t live with regret.
I don’t compete with fate.
I may wonder, or fantasize, or reminisce,
but I acknowledge the barrier between us.
I set boundaries, but do they really matter?
Because like you said the other day:
Attraction + chemistry + history is a dangerous thing.
I don’t know her, but I respect her,
and I want what’s best for you, even if it doesn’t feel good.
I understand that means I may never see you again.
I understand that means there are a lot of talks we will never get to have.
I know you have questions you are withholding from me,
but I suppose it’s better that way.
Out of sight isn’t out mind.
Out of sight doesn’t make your marriage stronger, either.
But I will stay here, and you will remain there.
It’s not about desire anymore.
It’s about doing what’s right.
written October 1, 2019.